I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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