i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
Just invented taco cereal.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
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