Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
