Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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