I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
Someone shattered a urinal.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Randomize
