This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
