the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
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