I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
tell me about the eggs
Randomize
