What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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