Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
Randomize
