i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
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We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
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Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
i need some magic done to my vagina
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
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