we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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