i can't believe i had my finger in that
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
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