i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
