His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Randomize
