Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
I am midnight drunk by noon
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
just found out that she named her cat after me.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
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