why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Randomize
