When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Randomize
