Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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