My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
