At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
