you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
Randomize
