Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
