the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
