I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
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