if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Randomize
