My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Randomize
