you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Randomize
