if only i could text you this smell
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Panties = found
Randomize
