$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
spencer pratt says his family invinted chess
that kid is like the al gore of hollywood.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
I made him laugh his dick is mine
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
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