I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
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