Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
he quoted Bring It On. It's over.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
