"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
