Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
where are my eyebrows?
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