Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
false alarm, still single
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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