Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
How does it feel to date your dad?
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
Randomize
