1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
