i voted for prop eight dipshit. more weddings = more CAKE.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
