You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Randomize
