if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
