I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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