1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Randomize
