grandma shit on top of the toilet
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
