Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Randomize
