I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
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That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
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The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
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