I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
Randomize
