you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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