Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
I deserve this hangover.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Randomize
