we have pet lesbian snakes
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Randomize
