Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
Randomize
