No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
