Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Randomize
