spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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