oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
My liver just had a heart attack.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
Randomize
